Retaliation Gone Awry
by ArAnCaR No. 6
Summary: In which we learn that Allen fails at revenge... miserably. It was supposed to be done against that prick of a samurai, not him! ...Well, at least Kanda won't remember, right? Total Crack, OOC, and No pairings.


**First DGM Fic :)**

**The idea's kind of random and very OOC (and sucky), but I couldn't care less! *sings***

**xXx**

**Disclaimer: Do I have to say it? *sobs***

**xXx**

Allen was giddy from anticipation. Finally, he was going to have his own little piece of revenge against that prick of a samurai.

_'This is for all the times he's called me 'Moyashi'_,' he evilly thought to himself, his rare Black Side inching out at the memory of his small form of retaliation as he arrived at the warm cafeteria one early Feburary morning, making his daily stop at the Black Order's beloved chef's window. The Indian male cheerily greeted him as usual, gushing over his cuteness as the fifteen year-old blushed a little in embarrasment. Just as he placed his usual large order and Jerry turned his back, Allen allowed his silver eyes to sweep precautiously across the nearby array of benches and tables, searching for the dark azure-colored head that could only belong to his subject of revenge. He had heard from a giggling Lavi that Kanda slept in more than what he usually did during winter and he wanted to make sure that what the redhead spoke was true. _'Yuu-chan's a bear!'_ he had exclaimed, practically falling to the floor with laughter when he informed the Parasitic Innocence user a few months prior. As expected, he did not catch a glimpse of the Japanese boy and he smiled evilly, for the older male's absence allowed him to progress with his little plot. Turning back towards the window, he erased all traces of mischief from his face, calling to Jerry in a sweet voice.

"Ne, Jerry-san. Do you think you can do me a favor?"

**xXx**

As cold of a bastard as he may seem, Kanda despised frigid weather with a passion that surpassed Komui's when Finders looked at Lenalee for a second too long.

Yeah, that much.

_'Stupid winter,'_ the tempermental eighteen year-old thought to himself as he shut the door to his room closed, repeatedly pulling his thick cardigan a bit tighter over his body in vain attempts to shut out some of the cold. One might think, that even in such low temperatures, Kanda would nevertheless rise early, train, shower, and dress accordingly in case of missions, right? He would never scuumb to shivering like crazy within the confinements of HQ like the other idiots and whine all day, but of course one must think of the location of Headquarters to begin with: England and in early Feburary, snow encrusting all windows with frost and stone floors still icy from the night prior.

It's hella cold, just face it.

Thus, Kanda Yuu found himself still in night clothes, bundled up in his large thick sweater and long mignight locks still loose as a source of extra warmth as he quickly walked towards the cafeteria.

Little did he know, something would be awaiting him.

**xXx**

"Kanda takes too long," Allen whined, having long finished eating as he impatiently tapped his fingernail to the wooden table he was still sitting at. Lavi gawked at him rather openly from across as Lenalee stared in silence. "Wait, you're waiting for Yuu-chan?" he asked incredulously, laughter threatening to break out. The white-haired boy's eyes grew wide in realization as he grew bright red. Neither of the two other innocence users knew of Allen's little plot, and the younger exorcist intended on keeping it that way to avoid Lenalee's berating and Lavi's ridiculous crackles. Allen waved has hands wildly, "N-no! It's just that I think that- that- errr... K-k-komui-san has an assignment for us! Yeah, that's it! An assignment!" The future Bookman covered his little chuckles behind a hand, emerald eyes slitting in mischief. "Oh sure Allen, whatever makes you feel better," he taunted as the smaller male's face grew redder at that slipup. Lenalee frowned, giving her bullying friend a small knock on the head, "Lavi, don't be mean to Allen-kun! I'm sure Kanda will come sooner or la- oh! There he is!"

Sure enough, the familiar moody Japanese boy swiftly entered the cafeteria, his arms unfolding as the prior chill faded away due to the warmth of the nearby kitchen, steps slowing as he no longer had any reason to hurry. The young exorcist stopped at Jerry's window and was giving his usual of soba when Allen trotted over.

Well, more like ran harshly near the opening of the steel security frame, scaring the crap out of the Asian and Indian males.

"What the hell, Moyashi!" Kanda screeched, staggering backwards as Allen abruptly shot towards a very freaked out Jerry. "Oh! Jerry-san!" he chirped despite the blood running down his face from the collision and the nearby dark-haired target gawking at him, "you remember about that, right?" The pink-haired Indian male nodded vigorously in response, a little freaked out about the sudden injury, "Yes, yes, Allen-chan, I remember. Just please clean that off, you're getting your blood all over my work station!"

**xXx**

Once Allen cleaned up his mess and Kanda finally recieved his usual soba, the white-haired exorcist immediately took ahold of his comrade in the battle against the Millenium Earl and promptly began shoving him towards the tables, earning stunned looks from the multitude of Finders there. Kanda sputtered,"M-moyashi? What the fuck are you doing?" he demanded as Allen continued to shove him towards Lenalee and Lavi, moving along in order to avoid spilling the contents of the tray in his hands. "Taking you to a table so you can eat!" he cheerfully replied as he forcefully pulled the eighteen year-old to sit on a bench. Kanda scowled, immediately suspicious. When the hell has the beansprout ever done this? Then again, all he wanted was to eat and get the hell out of public eye, back in the safer confines of his bedroom and if the idiot Moyashi's shoving was going to get him to his room faster, so be it.

"Fine, fine! Just let me go already or I'll chop those hands off!" Allen smiled widely at that murderous remark before releasing the older male, plopping down besides him instead. The Japanese boy completely ignored him, stirring a decent amount of wasabi into his sauce before dipping a few soba noodles in, utterly unaware that his favorite meal had a little something extra mixed in.

Allen mentally crackled.

**xXx**

Only a few minutes into eating, Kanda began to feel a little drowsy. The young samurai frowned, blinking a few times in an attempt to clear whay he assumed to be leftover traces of sleep from his mind before he continued with his soba. Lavi started staring at him oddly once Kanda began to rest his head against his palm, elbow on the table as he clumsily held his chopsticks, twirling some drenched buckwheat noodles around, dark cerulean eyes half closed and cloudy.

"Err, Yuu-chan, are you okay?" the redhead questioned, real concern tainting his green eyes as his comrade began to take deep breaths in vain attempts to stay alert. "Of course," he slurred, scowling once again as something akin to a narcolepsic(sp?) fit tried to hit him, nearly sending him face-first into the tray. Lenalee looked on, worried, "Kanda, you're practically half-unconscious and you didn't even threaten Lavi with death for using your first name! I'm getting a little scared, you should go see the nurse." The eighteen year-old waved her off with a limp movement of his wrist, "Am not," he murmured quietly as he attempted to finish his food with little to no success. Allen was snickering quietly the whole time but grew serious at the female exorcist's pleas. No, Kanda couldn't go to the nurse! He'd be discovered! He needed to cover his tracks, fast!

"I'll take him!" he quickly piped up, standing as he did so. Lenalee blinked at her friend in surprise, "Allen-kun, you'd really-" she was interrupted by the Parasitic user's frantic nod, "Yes! I'll take him! Come on Kanda, you're finished right?" Before he could answer, Kanda was quickly drawn out of his seat and dragged to exit the cafeteria, a hasty yell of 'See you later!' from Allen lingering in the air as both boys rushed out, one more frantic than the other in his steps.

_'Geeze, Lenalee's concerned nature's going to uncover me,'_ Allen thought to himself agonizingly, conflicts obviously building up as his retaliation began to show signs of backfiring. "Come on Kanda," Allen sighed as he dragged Kanda by the left hand, quickly strutting through the frigid halls, shivering at the cold. He immediately wished he had put a sweater on or at least his exorcist coat before leaving his room, Kanda's current wardrobe making some sense now. _'At least he's dressed for the weather,'_ he thought to himself grudgingly as he increased his steps. "Liar, I wasn't finished," Kanda drowsily pouted, the effects of Allen's little addition to his daily soba shifting his usual moody and pain-in-the-ass personality to something akin to a naive nature. "I know, I know," the fifteen year-old mumbled urgently, passing by the Science Division as he spoke.

The scientists inside were pouring over masses of files and paperwork, so exhausted themselves that they did not notice a rather vulnerable-looking Kanda being pulled along by a ruffled Allen. Reever noticed and even though he only managed to catch a glimpse of moving white and azure hair from the walls of stacked textbooks, it was enough to recognize the two exorcists. "Oi, Allen, Komui wants you and Kanda in his office," he called out, the younger of the two stiffening upon hearing those dreaded words. "K-k-komui?" he weakly stuttered, seeing Reever's spiky head move in a sort of nod amongst the paper masses. "Yes, now go. I think there's a mission waiting."

Allen gave out a faint groan. _'Geeze, it's like everyone's trying to bust me!'_ he thought to himself in dismay. Nevertheless, he gave his thanks and turned a different course, heading towards the Black Order's lunatic Supervisor's office. Kanda noticed and frowned. "I thought we were going to the nurse," he deadpanned quietly as Allen pulled him towards the closed doors of Komui's office. "Later, ok?" the young Brit interjected, shoving him into the crowded ooffice, papers littered everywhere asKomui, his back to them, turned with a welcoming smile across his face as he raised his coffee cup off from the cluttered desk. The cheerful disposition was wiped clean, however, when the Chinese male caught sight of the Second Exorcist. Allen swallowed nervously as Komui gawked a little, looking stumped amongst his masses of paperwork, mouth obscured by his usual bunny mug. "Kanda-kun," he began slowly, "are you okay?" he questioned, watching as the young Asian boy very gingerly tipped to and fro, soft bangs gently brushing his slim brows and forehead with the movement.

"He's fine!" Allen piped, Komui's gaze switching to him curiously. The British male began to sweat nervously, "I just dragged him out of bed!" he added quickly. The Chinese Supervisor stared at him suspiciously before finally brushing it off, "Very well then, boys. Take a seat." Komui used this pause to swivel in his office chair, his back to the two exorcists, and it was then that two things happened.

...

First, Komui retrieved the mission specs required for the assignment for the two.

Second...

With a hasty push from Allen, Kanda accidentally tripped over one of the many file stacks of various sizes littering the floor with a loud clatter.

Allen gawked and quickly scrambled to help him off the ground. Unfortunately, Komui noticed. "Kanda-kun!" he exclaimed, alarmed at the usually rather cautious Japanese boy's abrupt clumsiness. In the years that he has been at the Order, Komui has never seen Kanda trip due to his ignored work littering the floor. Sure, the first time he entered the Chinese man's office as a child along with General Tiedoll, the young Japanese boy had yelped when he nearly slipped bottom-first due to a laminated sheet hidden amongst the paperwork, but luckily, he hadn't made any actual contact with the ground thanks to the francophone's immediate interferance. _'What is going on here?'_ Komui wondered to himself, watching as the young Asian quietly pulled himself to a sitting position. Kanda, on the otherhand, looked a little confused, staring in silence at the intruding little stump that caused his fall. He could have sworn that miniscule lump wasn't there before! As the eighteen year-old stared curiously at the gathered paperwork, lost in his own drowsy thoughts, Komui turned a questioning gaze towards Allen, the English child crouched down next to the unstable Kanda.

"Allen-kun?" he started, seeing the British fifteen year-old stiffen a little at his name, "what did you do to Kanda-kun?" Allen gawked in response and immediately began stuttering. "W-w-why do you think I was involved?" he demanded, all the while ignoring the little fact that it was his fault the Second Exorcist was even like this to begin with. This wasn't how things were supposed to go! Kanda was supposed to leave the cafeteria before the effects kicked in and randomly K.O preferably around an area of HQ which was highly populated! Now he was stuck with a half-conscious Kanda and everyone asking what happened! Even the times in which Kanda was supposed to be hit with the effects didn't match up! Now he seriously doubted his so-called status as a 'Child Greatly Loved by God'.

He briefly wondered if this was God's way of saying 'You shouldn't've done that.'

Yup, he was pretty sure that was it, now he had to come up with an excuse that would suffice in convincing Komui, lest he alert a certain overprotective General who would more than likely attack him with Maker of Eden for 'taking advantage' of his youngest student/son.

"Listen, Komui-san," Allen began hesitantly, raising his hands up from his lap as a pleading sign.

Big mistake.

It seemed that within moments after Allen raised his hands towards the oldest of the three males occupying the crowded office, Kanda could no longer stay alert- or awake if you might- and promptly scuumbed to the unknown sense of exhaustion that had been plauging him in increasing traces ever since he was in the cafeteria, abruptly falling to his side in silence.

And by falling to his side, I mean he collapsed to his right, suddenly and directly into Allen's empty lap, dead asleep.

Said British exorcist gawked.

"Kanda get off me!" he yelled, a little panicked at having the moody samurai drop right on him. Of course, Kanda didn't move, the only signs of life on him his deep even breaths and slow, subtle rises and falls of his chest. Komui began to snicker, "He's asleep, Allen-kun. You know, Kanda-kun looks very endearing when he's resting, don't you think?" The fifteen year-old stared at him as if the Supervisor had just said he no longer had his sister complex. "No! Komui-san get him off, my legs are going dead!" The Chinese man wagged a finger at him, "Now now Allen-kun," he sing-songed, "I can't do it by myself, I'll end up skidding all over the files here! Tell you what, I'll get a few people over, some to help you up, others to get Kanda-kun to his bedroom, it'll only take a few minutes!" Here, Komui practically skipped over to the door, a hasty and laugh-tinted 'I'll be back!' thrown over his shoulder. The Parasitic User gaped like a fish out of water. "Wait, Komui-san!" he yelled, stretching out a hand desperately towards the disappearing back of the giggling male as he yelled out for assistance. "Lavi! Lenalee-chan! Come help me with a little something!" echoed through the halls as the color drained out of Allen's face. He opted to glare down at the sleeping Japanese boy currently draped across his lap, furiously thinking of a plan. It was impossible to remove him himself, for Kanda had gone limp and his entire weight was over his lower body, not to mention the masses of paper surrounding them partially covering Kanda's legs. Moving the Second Exorcist meant triggering a domino effect, and Allen was not in the mood to be buried under processed tree parts with numb legs whilst looking for a passed out Kanda through the masses. Allen scowled and promptly went for his only current option: yelling.

"DAMN IT JERRY-SAN! YOU GAVE KANDA TOO MUCH SLEEPING POWDER!"

**xXx**

**A/N: End~~! :) I know I know, it's oh so very OOC, but I actually like it! Either way, we all needed some relief from the anxiousness Chapter 197 caused and whatever might come our way in the upcoming Chapter 198, am I right?**

**Reviews greatly appreciated :) I've never done D. Gray-Man, I specialize in Naruto and I want to know if I need more practice.**

**Lol, Kanda's on Allen. How Yullenfied! XD *is a fangirl***


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